Dear friend, as I sit here writing this my stomach is still in knots, my mind is still racing, and I just want this to be done. But deep down, I know it will be okay!
Wednesday was HARD! I sat at there hands shaking, head spinning, and my heart beating a million miles per minute. “Why?” I asked, “why did it have to come to this?” I walked away, and I cried, clutching to my son as if he was my very own security blanket. I’m tired, so very tired and I am also fed up so very, fed up! I won’t go into major details quite yet, about what it is that happened but I will tell you that it has made a significant impact on our lives.
Cue Superwoman complex here!
I’m a typically indecisive Libra and let me tell you I do not make my decisions or choices lightly. I legit weight out both sides and typically try my best to hear out, workout and give too many chances to people that I hope will do the right thing. And it usually leaves me empty handed or fending for myself. But as I grow as a person, woman and mother I am learning that the scales may or not be balanced, but sometimes I have to make the tough call. And let me tell you, friends, it hurts like hell! I want everyone to be happy and everyone to be on the same page so we can all win, but unfortunately, life and people do not go that way.
As a mother (single mother at that), business owner, a black woman and human being I have an infinite amount of responsibilities on a daily basis. So much so that I don’t always give myself the TLC that I so desperately need. Cue Superwoman complex here! I have to be so many things to so many people and work so hard that it can at times leave my cup empty. I find myself saying things like: I’ve tried for so long, I’ve listened, been more than understanding and yet when finally stand up for myself and my son I am WRONG! Why? Maybe I set that tone up for myself; maybe I made it too easy for them. Do they not realize how it’s not about them? Do they not understand how hard I work for my son? Maybe I’m not working hard enough like they said. Maybe I’m not good enough like they said. Y’all why do we as women blame ourselves for other people doing us wrong? WHY? You know that cup of mine well friend I am learning, slowly, how to refill it.
If people cannot take responsibility for themselves and what they should or should not be doing in your life, you, my friend have to take responsibility for them. Otherwise, you’ll end up drained and taken advantage of over and over again. I don’t want that for you! I want you to feel the love, happiness, and success that you desire. Not the pain stress of having the weight of the world on your shoulders.
It Will Be Okay!
Honestly, friend, although these last few days have left me feeling as if I have been hit by a train (and then by a car, followed by a boay\t). I have to believe that there is still a light at the end of this tunnel. And though there are people who will be angry with me some who I have never met I know that for years. I listened, I tried over and over and over again, and I can no longer pretend that what’s been happening is okay. But I trust that end the end we (my son and I) will be okay.